Isulong Seoph reports: EXPRESSWAY THEFTS

BUKAS KOTSE

Robbery is the leading form of major crimes today, which law enforcement has been busy dealing with. At present, incidents of “BUKAS KOTSE” is alarming in the area of South Luzon Expressway (SLEX) affecting motorists traveling North and South bound who stop over at gasoline stations along expressway for food or use of rest rooms. According to the Police, there’s a syndicate operating along SLEX using expensive vehicles in their nefarious activities. They strike anytime at daytime and night time.

Knowledge of the techniques or modus operandi employed by these robbers is essential in order to protect your properties.

Modus Operandi:

Syndicate uses expensive heavily tinted vehicles, such as STAREX, Ford Explorer and the like, in their nefarious activities. They normally spot their victims at the parking area of food chain in gasoline stations along South Luzon Expressway. They would normally park their vehicle beside unoccupied parking space. While parked, member/s of the syndicate who are inside the heavily tinted vehicle would discretely wait for their victim/s, especially those who park beside their vehicle. Once they spotted expensive things or belongings inside their prospective car, they would tinker open the door and rob expensive belongings inside your car.

What to do:

• Never leave valuables inside your car in plain view, even if the car is locked. Put them in the trunk or out of sight or better not to leave valuables inside it. Even if your car is heavily tinted, because they can observe you when you get off your car, they could peek what you or your passengers have left inside and assess if it is worthy of their operation.
• Totally close your windows all the way up, as in some incidents, the robbers get to hook up the door locks thru the opening of the windows. Make sure that the gasket lining of your window is intact as they could also insert their gadget in this clearance to reach the door lock.
• Even if you’re rushed, look around before you get out of your car and stay alert to your surroundings. Test all your doors if properly locked
• Before leaving your home, make sure you have inside your car, whatever you need during your travel on the road to avoid opening your vehicle trunk during stop over especially if you have expensive things inside your trunk such as appliances, suitcase, laptops (very attractive!) and the like.
• Don’t hesitate to ask favor from any Security personnel on duty near the area to share his attention to your car.

DISAPPEARING BAGS/WALLETS

If you will observe the food chain in the Gasoline Stations along the Expressway, almost all have glass walls which make you an easy target for these robbers. Security Guards hired by these Gasoline Stations and by individual Fast Food Stores claim that in spite of several incidents where they catch these robbers and turn them over to the Police, almost all easily get bailed out, which is an indication that these Robbers are members of a Syndicate.

Modus Operandi:

• The Syndicate comes altogether in one vehicle and stops at each gasoline station along the expressway.
• Monitors the fast food store and spots a victim (could be you, your husband or any family member) sitting in one of these restaurants with his/her own or companion’s bag beside him/her.
• They come in a group of at least 3 with the ffg roles:
  1. Entertainer - who diverts your attention
  2. Sweeper - discretely picks up the bag or wallet while your or your companion’s attention is on the “entertainer”.
  3. Look-out – observes anybody in the area including the Security Guard who might notice their activity to warn their group. This one may be more than one person.

What to do:

• Do not leave your bag or wallet with your companion (esp a child) left sitting in the restaurant while you go to the Rest Room… or get your orders… or go to another Shop. Or if you do, make sure that he/she holds it on his/her lap.
• While eating, place your bag in front of you… or on your lap… or on or underneath the table, if it is surrounded by your own group members making sure it is visible should an outsider reach for it
• Observe your surroundings Be alert for diversion tactics. You will notice them because they are normally loud trying to create a scene or a simple act that will force you to look at the other direction from your things such as finding a dollar or a peso bill on the floor near your seat, “accidentally” tripped-off and spilling a drink near you.
• If you have spotted one working on somebody else, alert your companion discretely as this Robber doesn’t do it alone and find a way to discreetly alert the Guard.

If you have been victimized, report to the Security Officer of the Establishment and require them to assist you in reporting to the nearest Police Station.

Salamat sa mga nagpapasa-pasa ng mga email na ito. Katatanggap ko lang po sa email ko at ako’y natuwa at aking ipinamamahagi sa lahat.

vote for who? vote for what? vote? duh?

The important lessons have learned from our parents.

Isulong Seoph Lesson 1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 1. My mother taught me HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If the two of you are just going to kill each other, go out of the house! You !@#$%, I just cleaned the house.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay.

“Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 2. I learned RELIGION from my father.
“If this stain does not come off the carpet, you better start praying!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 3. Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC.

“Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 3. From my mother I have learned LOGIC.
“The reason why it is that way is because I said so.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto MORE LOGIC.

“Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang magisa ang manonood ng sine.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 4. From still from my Mother I have learned MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall down from the roof, I’ll just watch the movie all by myself.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY.

“Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 5. My Mom also taught me what is IRONY.
“Ok, go ahead and cry and scream like a baby, and I will really give you what will make you really cry!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.

“Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo!!!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 6. My mother also explained to me what is CONTORTIONISM.
“Look at the back of neck, it’s dirty, look at it!!!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA.

“Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga’t di mo natatapos yang lahat ng pagkain mo!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 7. My Dad also explained to me the meaning of STAMINA.
“No one is going to stand up until they are done with their food!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER.

“Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 8. And my Mom has also taught us what is WEATHER.
“You !@#$%, what kind of room do you and your brothers have? Looks like a storm passed by!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 9. This is how my Mother explained to me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“You flirty kid, I brought you to this world, and I can also take you off this world.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

“Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang mag-inarte na parang Nanay mo!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 10. I have learned from my Dad BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop that! Stop acting like how your mother does!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.

“Nagmana ka ngang talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 11. And my Mom has also taught me what GENETICS means.
“You are just like your Dad, a !@#$%”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY.

“Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 12. Mom has explained to the the meaning of ENVY.
“There are a lot of kids without any mom and dad, so you should be thankful you have parents like us.”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION.

“Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 13. My Dad has taught me what is ANTICIPATION.
“Go ahead, just wait until we get home!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING.

“Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 14. And still from my Dad, he has taught my older brother what RECEIVING means.
“You’re going to get it when we get home!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR.

“Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 15. My mom taught us about HUMOR.
“If your legs get cut off playing with the lawnmover, don’t you ever run to me and I will cut your legs off!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE.

“Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, tiyak maging katulad mo at magiging pasakit din sa ulo!”

Isulong Seoph Lesson 16. And the most valuable lesson of all that I have learned from both of my parents, the meaning of JUSTICE.
“One day you will have your own child, for sure he/she will just be like you, a headache!”

Maganda sanang mabaggit dito ang original na may-akda nitong nakakatawang aralin galing sa ating mga magulang, ngunit hindi ko alam kung sino ang maglikha nito at aking pinagkunan po ay galing sa mga pasa-pasang bulletin mula sa Friendster. At muling ko pong sasabihin, ito po ay kathang isip lamang para magpatawa sa karamihan ng Filipino sa buong mundo. Lalo na sa mga napapalayo sa bansa natin at nami-miss ang pamilya. Kelan mo ba sila huling nakausap? Bakit hindi mo tawagan, i-text, o mag email?

It would be nice to mention the real author of these funny lessons from out parents, but I really do not know who made these lessons and I just got it from the passed on bulletin messages on Friendster. And once again, we just made this to be funny for the Filipinos worldwide. Especially to those that are far from the mother land and misses their family. When was the last time you talked to them? Why not call them, text them or send them an email?

Nung muling ipinalabas ang Superman at naging patok sa takilya, naisipan nyang dumayo sa Pilipinas para makita ang kalagayan ng mga manonood at nabalitaan n’yang madami s’yang fans sa Pilipinas at para tulungan isulong ang pag kita ng pelikula n’ya, lumipad ito papuntang Pilipinas. Ako po si Seoph Martinez ay naka kuha ng scoop na s’ya ay padating. Pero para maiwasan ang stampede ng mga fans, hindi ko kinuwento ang scoop na ito. Sinabihan ko lang yung katulong namin na tsimosa at sabi ko ‘wag na ‘wag mong sasabihin kahit kanino na padating si Superman sa Pilipinas. At national secret yun. At sabi naman n’ya, hindi n’ya sasabihin kahit kanino kundi si inday sa kabilang bahay at mapagkakatiwalaan naman daw ‘yun na hindi ipagkakalat.

Ngayon, nagpunta na ako sa Centennial Airport kung saan dapat ang arrival ni Superman. Hindi ko naman alam ang flight number, pati kung anong airlines. Tapos ako’y biglang nagulat sa katabi ko, biglang sumigaw. Look up in the sky! It’s a bird? At napatingin ako sa sumigaw. Naglalakihan ang butas ng ilong na nakashades, at nakasulat sa t-shirt nya, Chito. Tapos tumingin ako sa itaas. At sabi nitong Chito… Bird nga!

Ano kaya ang flight ni Superman? Nag PAL kaya sya? Plane Always Late? Paano na Isulong Seoph report ko? Tapos, biglang nagtayuan mga tao! May tinuturo sa langit! Sabi ko, mukhang nandyan na! Pero parang ibang kulay, bago na s’ya costume ni Superman? May lumilipad na naka dilaw!? Si Captain Barbell pala! Gusto n’ya din salubungin si Superman at s’ya daw are number 1 fan ni Superman.

Nang biglang may nakipag-away kay Captain Barbell! Si Superman! Sabi ko, ayos, buhay na ang Isulong Seoph scoop report ko! Pumuwesto na ako sa harap ng camera at sinabi…”Good Morning, this is Seoph Martinez reporting live for ABS-GMA channel 69 - Isulong Seoph Reports…” tapos ifofocus pa lang ng camera sa langit ng bigla silang naglanding sa likod ko lang. At sabi ko sa sarili ko, exacto ito para sa Isulong Seoph reports. Nafocus ko ang camera agad sa dalang super hero. At sabi ni Superman… Who are you? Why are you copying me? I not kopy yu Supperman, sagot ni Captain Barbell. What? You are copying my costume! sabi ng galit na Superman. Bat I hab a is deferent costom? sagot ni Captain Barbell. But you also have a red brief like me! No I don’t, nagsagutan ang dalawa. Liar! I have X-ray vision! I can see you also have a red brief! Sabi ng galit na galit na Superman at sinakal n’ya si Captain Barbell.

Hindi na po natapos ang Isulong Seoph report at pinaalis na kami, pati press noong dumating ang NBI. Ito po ang huling nakunan namin na eksena.

*Hindi po si Seoph Martinez ang naglikha nitong drawing. Ito ay una ko pong nakita sa website ni Mike Lopez.